april 2, 2008

cabin fever.

Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008

By 3 o’clock today I was feeling alone & isolated. I started having horrible thoughts about how I really should be doing something with all this time on my hands, instead of laying around & being boring. The only thing I really have to cling onto is this journal; it helps remind me that I am still alive while Lover isn’t here. When he arrives, I am full of words; out spoken words. I don’t think as much, I just say & kiss & laugh with him. Obviously, I am in need of some actual interaction. It’s no longer a vacation; it’s a smack in the face almost. Shy of me getting a job, I can’t bear the thought of getting rid of my freedom. This is why it doesn’t make any sense, because it is so twisted. I am tired of being here at home, alone & clueless; yet, I do not desire to work at all… but I need something to do. Truthfully, I’m dreading tomorrow, for I know exactly how it will go. That is, if I decide not to do something about it. I haven’t taken the time to actually sit down & think about my purpose for being here, in this sort of predicament. There must be a reason other than sitting here in this quiet apartment. I refuse to believe it’s to walk Sofie more often, or take better care of house. Noble tasks, of course, but they offer little gratitude to me these days. Quite honestly, I think I am suffering from cabin fever.

Lover is preparing for bed, but naturally, I’m not tired. I feel restless all the time. Given the chance to have some solace, I was thinking of writing a list of things I could do with all of this free time on my hands, rather than just moping around. Yes, Lover is heading upstairs to go to sleep. It’s fairly early; only 9:40pm. I couldn’t imagine trying to sleep right now. I’m too agitated. I almost feel — dare I say? — anxious. Stir crazy. Sigh; what have I gotten myself into? I’m beginning to think that I was better off at a dead end job, making money than being here feeling sorry for myself.

The weather is supposed to be rainy tomorrow (I’m very pleased at this) so obviously I’ll be indoors. What could I do with all of this time? I suppose I better cut the bullshit & start looking for jobs. I mean, what could it hurt. & anyway, it would give me something to do. I know that I am much better than just sitting on my ass, waiting for something exciting to happen to me. I did this after a painful breakup & I don’t want to subject myself to that again. It’s torturous & awfully lonely.

Here is my list, so help me:

* look for jobs; apply to at least 3.
* go through the yellow pages; look for jobs.
* start that wretched article for the magazine.
* make a note to my aunt that the interview won’t be finished until next week, unfortunately.
* balance the checkbook.
* research car insurance.
* look for jobs.
* browse college catalog; find potential classes to take.
* meditate on what the hell I am doing here.

That is all I can think of at the moment, & many of those things can be done in less than an hour. I am very open to suggestions. I feel like I am at my wit’s end. Even right now I’m not making any sense! I hope this isn’t the first sign of craziness. Sigh.