april 4, 2008

la dispute.

Friday, April 4th, 2008

This is not going to be a happy-go-lucky, “apricot tea in love” kind of post. I am just as disappointed as you are; I wish life could be like a bowl of cherries, but alas… it isn’t.

I don’t enjoy fighting with Jonathan; it’s not my cup of tea, but today I really don’t care. This coldness is mainly coming from the harsh disappointment of this: for the sake of assuming & jumping to conclusions I am going to announce to myself & whomever is listening that Lover did not get that job. If he would have gotten the job, he would have heard something by this week at least. But… he didn’t & I am the only one who is upset about this. Lover seems to be relieved, which is disheartening & maddening to me. I almost feel silly — no, I do feel silly — for getting so wrapped up in the thoughts of him actually getting the tremendous opportunity. (My gleeful presumptuousness can be found here.) To say that I am disappointed would be only half of what I am feeling. I am kind of mad & feeling a bit let down. Kind of like, “now what?” That sort of thing. Hence, the reason I have picked this unnecessary fight with him. I am not proud of that, by the way. I could say a lot of things right now, but I’m going to hold myself back because they’re truly not fair, in spite of them being right. I am frustrated at this letdown & the fact that Lover seems to not understand just why I am upset. This why I am the practical one in the relationship (in instances like these) & he is whimsical. Sometimes it can be the opposite, especially when it comes to vivid dreams & “what if?” questions. But when it comes to obvious realities, I am the practical one.

The fight was started over something silly; then again I don’t even think Lover realized that we were fighting. We were typing to each other via instant messenger. But I certainly was fighting with him, hitting the keys at a rapid & firm rate, frowning & sighing & getting flustered with every sentence I had to form. I just so happened to mention to him, just for the sake of mentioning, that I was upset about him not getting the job. I didn’t want this to be hanging over our heads without being identified. I figured I should warn him, after all. He suggested that we talk about this; & I said, “no.” Why would I choose to talk about my feelings to him through the internet? While he is at work? When I have already been irritated enough? Maybe it wasn’t a fight, for I wasn’t saying anything I didn’t mean. He asked & I told him my feelings about a friend coming over tonight. I don’t want anyone to come over; that would more confuse this whole day & the feelings I have when it comes to Lover at the moment. I feel as though we should talk about this; inviting a friend over would be stalling this process, making light of the situation. Maybe it’s because I am mad at how nonchalant he is about the fact that he more than likely didn’t get the job. That he would so willingly invite someone over for pizza & a good conversation when a wonderful opportunity for us, for our lives has just slipped through his fingers. Maybe I am upset because he didn’t seem to care about the job really; that I was one who wanted this for us more than he did. Maybe I am upset because he isn’t upset like I am! No sweat off of his back; he’ll solve it with pizza & a good friend. I am not expecting him to read my mind… I am expecting him to handle this in the way it should be handled. & he’s not. So I’m frustrated & I don’t want to talk to him about it. There is no use anyway.

I don’t even know what I am saying right now. I am a muddled mess of emotions. More than likely, I will spend the rest of the day in isolation, trying to figure out these damned thoughts swarming my head, regarding this lost job, Lover’s unwillingness to want it & the fight that I started in my effort to express my feelings. Then I will go to my psychiatrist appointment today to get yet another prescription filled. I hate going to these wretched appointments. It’s a waste of money & my psychiatrist reminds me of a cartoon character. Usually, this would amuse me, but I am no mood to be amused. As for the rest of the evening… it is up in the air.

At the moment, I am holding back from fleeing these feelings. I do this with the best intentions, but end up going to Target… which winds up in me buying things that we really don’t need. My god, have I turned into one of those people? Those impulsive emotional shoppers? No, I should stay home & try to do something with this mess I’ve put myself in. This proves that high expectations & hopes don’t get you anywhere but high… & then comes that horrible fall back to the ground, back to reality. Fuck. I am so annoyed I could spit. I want to scream profanities. I want to punch a wall or something. I want to kick something… hard. Most importantly, I want to be left alone for a little while.