april 7, 2008

I am a diarist. there; I said it.

Monday, April 7th, 2008

I have tried to stay away from that word “diary” because I feel it is so ancient & past its time. Furthermore, no one ever uses that word. I think that is why so many people have strayed from diaryland.com because of the image it creates in your mind. That was certainly my reason for leaving. After so many years of devoting time into expressing myself, I felt like I wasn’t getting anywhere & that I wasn’t getting understood. I felt like I was going around in circles; that nothing was changing or evolving inside of me. (Or, that could have just been the consequences of the current relationship I was in, which was provoking me to keep going around in circles; maybe.)

Today, I have experienced a dramatic & deep shift in my thinking in regards to my “blog.” Sincere thanks to chasing twilight who, with genuine words said only to describe her current situation, reminded me of why I call myself a writer. She made me think about this word “blog” & what that means to me, in my life, in my writing, in comparison to the antique & underused word “diary,” the word I have been dying not to say. (I have to agree with her that the reason why the concept of a “blog” is much more appealing to ear is because it is… unisex. How many men would be caught dead saying, “Please read my diary about my life.” It just won’t happen & is borderline unheard of. Blog is much more… serious. More professional.) “Blog” has nothing to do with me. I have always been a diarist; always. I would even consider myself a journalist of sorts. Although… I cannot down that word “blog” completely (& I’m not), because it is used accurately to identify business-like writings & to build community-style relationships that happen to be very successful & very enlightening. I just don’t happen to fit the term “blogger.”

In the midst of reading other’s blogs, in the midst of receiving plenty of heartfelt comments & thousands of page views, as well as meeting incredible new people, I think I have gotten lost in what all of this really means to me, in my life, in my growing experience. I feel as though I have been trying to be something that I am not. Maybe that I am dumbing down my skills of self expression a little to fit the standard of what a writer, a “blogger” in this day & age really is. It’s so old-fashioned, really, for me to expect that people would write in any other way. The world is constantly changing; roles & rules are morphing into things that I am having trouble understanding & I am just twenty years old! I am in the middle of so many different kinds of movements… people are expressing themselves in other ways that seem so foreign to me. Thus, the reason I posted this entry. Is it wrong that I feel more compelled to stay behind while others have their fun changing? (That question goes with other things happening in my life, not just in writing.) I would feel much better being a diarist than a blogger. I would feel much better to be vintage in that way. Someone once compared me to Jane Austen, which was meant to be an insult, but I smiled & said, “wonderful!” because that is what I want to hear. I do find uplifting inspiration in old literature, like Jane Eyre, Wuthering Heights, The Great Gatsby & other deep, thought-provoking books. Of course, there are other amazing modern books out there that have given me the same reaction, but they are far & few.

As wonderful as it is to correspond with people who “blog” in a community-like manner, people who are candid & sometimes anonymous in their writings are perceived in my eyes as unique & delicate creatures. There is something intimate & courageous about them. Something unscripted & genuine about a stranger’s attempt to express himself in a deep & genuine way. If a reader feels guilty while paging through the truthfulness of your diary, I think you have have managed to be successful in your honesty. I have always hoped that I could be that kind of writer.

I suppose what I am trying to say — & all of this means more to me than anyone else reading these words right now — is that I just learned a valuable lesson. It is better to stick out like a black sheep comfortably, than to blend in with the crowd, packed & crammed because there are far too many of them. I think that is what I’m trying to say. My perception of what this “blog” is has changed to a more fitting understanding of who I personally am. Not what my readers want, not what my word count is, not how many views I’m getting per day or comments or subscriptions. In turn, this subtle change will provoke me to be a better writer. It’s much more honest this way.