June 5, 2008

wallflower girl, you’re always thinking.

Thursday, June 5th, 2008

My equilibrium is off today. I feel as though my thought processes are trying to evolve into something a bit more, something rich; but my inhibitions keep them from resounding loudly into open space. Moreover, my head is swimming in memories that I’d really rather not recall, but it’s as though it is happening without my control.

My sister will be turning 19 in a few days; this thought makes me feel older than what I am & reminiscent of younger times. Visiting her a few days ago was lovely & I miss her as though she is still in Texas, but she isn’t. I sometimes wonder if it would be easier for my emotional state to have her back in Texas, rather than now being 45 minutes away. Because then… I wouldn’t be so tangled up in the feelings of our relationship. When it comes to her, I am very overprotective & defensive. I feel like she is the only innocence left intact in our ridiculously fallen apart family. & this is why I am protective of her: I feel like it is my duty to keep her young & free & happy, even though in her eyes, I am sure this could be farther from the truth. More than likely, she doesn’t recognize this in me & that’s fine, because it would be too complicated to explain it to her or to anyone else. Matter of fact, it’s complicated even writing about it to seemingly no one. I don’t know why I do this, regardless.

It won’t be long before I am protecting Lover from his own personal demons, battling them off for him, without his even asking me. No one ever asks me to give a shit; no one ever asks me to carry their heavy & often inconvenient burdens. It is done out of the kindness of my own heart & the pits of my anxiety surrounding our relationship. It sick, but it’s the only way I show that I care, without them really knowing just how much I am willingly sacrificing.

Every time I get like this — low, melancholy, contemplative, deep in memories & filled with tangible sorrow for no other reason than just needing to feel sometimes — I take a shower. (I prefer baths, but unfortunately, we don’t have one in our little apartment. This brings out a terrible longing feeling inside of me, because I miss feel enveloped by water. That floating feeling, the quiet, the bubbles & the candles. There is nothing like a sensual bath.) I heard it said once that when you are feeling blue, it’s sometimes best to take a long, hot shower & allow the water from the shower head to beat onto your scalp, onto your shoulders, onto your face, because it awakens the senses; it reminds you that you are, indeed, alive. You can feel water between your fingers, sliding down your back, wetting the hair behind your neck. It’s the perfect sensation & it requires nothing but running water. Whether it is true or not — that it chases away the blues, I mean — I take showers for this reason. To remind me that I have these feelings trapped inside of me, & that these feeling do not have me.

What I really wish is that I could be someone else for a few days; the kind of someone I wish I already was. Or, better yet, I wish that I could possibly just tweak my personality around so that I can become this kind of someone. Sometimes I feel like I am so positively boring & too wrapped up in my own thoughts. Maybe I am too old-fashioned. More than likely, I am. I also with that I had a bad influence friend, but not necessarily to that extent. I wish that I could make good friends with a girl who has the same emotions as I, but a different thought process. She & I would be polar opposites, & she could teach me how to grab onto life a little more daringly, & I could teach her how to be okay with holding back sometimes. It would be the perfect match, & because she is a girl, I wouldn’t feel as though she is judging me for my impotence.

I wonder if there is anyone who is feeling the same way as I am, right now at this very moment.