march 4, 2008

in the waiting line.

Tuesday, March 4th, 2008

I am still growing accustomed to this new type of self-expression. There is this part of me that holds back from saying what is really on my mind. In here, I mean. I have the same fears as everyone else would about something like this. Fear of someone knowing my innermost secrets & thoughts, not to mention habits & desires. Fear of my private life being made public to the wrong ears (or eyes, rather). How might people react? It’s obvious that those who don’t know me wouldn’t think twice. There is no preconceived notion because they have no idea who I am. They may not ever see me in their lives. But the ones that already know me & the ones that know me really well, this could come as a shock to them. As I typed that last sentence, the first thought that came into my head, almost screaming, was “Who cares what people think?” True, but not easy to relent to. I feel like there are 2 sides of me. One that enjoys knowing that people don’t quite know me. That I have secrets & favorites & characteristics that may seem unheard of for someone like me. & then, of course, there is this other side of me that almost gets off knowing that people know who I truly am. That I am not this innocent, quiet little thing. That I have, in fact, a wicked sense of humor. I can tell & laugh at dirty jokes. If people only knew…

I realize that if I want to feed into the second side — the getting off on knowing that people know me — I have to promote. I have to tell people about my project. I have to convince people that they have no idea who I am & if they dare, they should see what is really on my mind. But the first side — the timid, secretive side — holds me back. So complicating. What is more important to hold onto? Your pride or security? & is there a line between too much information & pure honesty?

These are the thoughts running through my head as I am setting quite poorly at our computer desk. The house is quiet. Not even music is playing & Sofie is fast asleep. The clouds ave crept underneath big fluffy clouds in the sky, making the color of our apartment this pale, grey color. I am awfully lonely and trying to decide what to make for dinner. Jonathan & I have our weekly therapy session this evening & I have to say that this is the first time I am regretting it. Not because I don’t like going, but because we get into this small room, me, him & the therapist & we literally have nothing to talk about. Which is not to say that we don’t argue, disagree & get on each other’s nerves like all other couples, because we do. But for some reason, upon sitting on that couch, we become tongue tied. Usually, I am the one trying to think of conversation starters or things that we could try to fight about. Nothing. It’s almost embarrassing to myself because in those moments I ask myself, why are we here? But there is something that keeps us making appointments for next time & then coming back… & doing the same thing all over again. I suppose I expect some massive cry session to come out eventually. That maybe we’re just warming up to a gigantic disagreement in the works. Or… maybe an enlightenment on a subject that hasn’t even been talked about yet. Yes, I stay for those things. I don’t want to end up like my parents. Then again, they went to pre-marital counseling, also.

So what should we talk about? What kind of things should I try to hint around tonight? Maybe the fact that when he cuts vegetables on the counter, he leaves the messy, sloppy juices of the tomatoes for me to clean the next morning? Should I talk about him not flushing the toilet? Maybe I should mention the time where he gave me bad directions & we were lost for an hour… I mean, these are things that married couples fight about, no? Or maybe we’re just too early to even be doing something like this. Maybe we should have waited until after our first year together. Goodness, I don’t know! I just hope that tonight is a bit more productive & that I at least raise my voice at him just a little bit. Just to make things interesting of course.