march 31, 2008

flowers, bugs, mother & worries.

Monday, March 31st, 2008

I am staring at my withering, white gerber daisies that Lover bought me, wondering why it is that flowers cannot last longer than a few weeks. I adore flowers so much & to watch them slowly die is torturous for me. Their once vibrant petals are now seemingly tired yawns; they are opening themselves so fully that they the petals are bending backwards. I can never bear to put them in the trashcan until they are completely at ease, with their petals shedding on the desk & the water a greenish yellow. My poor little flowers.

It’s only 11:30 & I’ve already had an eventful morning. I have caught 2 ridiculously hideous bugs in 2 separate plastic containers with lids & called Lover in dismay about my findings. He laughs at me when I am near tears over these “harmless” (his words, not mine) bugs. But, I beg to differ. These things are so ugly that I yelled out loud upon discovering them in the house. I lost my appetite, as well, which is a shame because I wanted a bowl of cereal. Lover is nonchalant about these creepy crawlies. He doesn’t duck or dodge them when they began flying around in agitation. He is calm & patient. He catches them like he is rescuing THEM instead of me. Every bug we’ve ever had trespass inside of our house has never been killed by Lover. He catches them in plastic containers & sets them free, no matter what hour of the night it is or how cold it is outside. He gives even the ugliest, nastiest bugs the chance at living a peaceful life. Bugs! Horrible, frightening bugs! I have never met someone so passionate about life as he. It’s beautiful. But… I don’t get so wrapped up in these feelings that I start to do the same thing. Sure, I caught those nasty flying bugs this morning, but I’m not letting them lose. Jonathan can do that. They’re lucky I even caught them! I could have smacked the guts out of them with my flip flop. But no, I thought of Lover’s diligence & kindness & it made me feel guilty. Oh, what he does to me. I’m swooning a bit, but still shaken at the thought of those bugs latching onto my skin & sucking the life out of me. It could happen, of course.

My weekend was pleasant; filled with endless moments with Lover & Sofie. & my mother came to visit yesterday afternoon, which is always nice. She needed her hair done & apparently, I am the only one she trusts with it. It’s quite flattering, since I haven’t done real hair (other than my family, I mean) for about a year. Nevertheless, I cherish the visits with my mother & her beau, Gregory, no matter how long they stay. They make me laugh & while with my mother, I am able to surrender to being a [kind of] kid again, delighted in my mother’s presence. It’s nice to have that break to be a daughter for a change. I have impeccable respect when it comes to my mother. I don’t see my her has human being. I see her as a beautiful life force that keeps me humble. When I was younger, I was convinced my mother was an Angel from Heaven. I couldn’t think of her any other way because she was so wise & so loving. Yes, she scolded me but I deserved it so that is excusable on her part. Regardless, I have always had this electric relationship with my mother. Even more now that I am “a grown married woman.” The only thing missing from the picture last night was my sister & her silly self.

I am a little frazzled today; partially because of the bugs, partially because I am suffering a minor case of Writer’s Block, partially because it is Monday & I am feeling extra-specially lazy. Hence the sporadic ramblings. I spent most of last night — after my mother left — tending to Jonathan who was suffering a wretched headache. He slept mostly, so there wasn’t anything for me to do, but I still felt involved because all I could do was worry about him. There was one moment where it was very silent in the house & I was talking to my very dear friend jemi on the internet. In this stillness, Sofie suddenly was startled awake… like something had scared her to the point of waking up. She was looking up at the loft, staring at Lover while he was sleeping. Being that I have such a heavy imagination, I instantly thought that something was wrong with Jonathan. I’ve heard such stories where dogs can sense seizures & other medical problems before they even occur to us humans. So I began thinking that she was possibly sensing some trouble about Lover’s migraine & I swiftly went up the stairs to the loft. I rubbed his inner wrists to wake him, & he opened his eyes & smiled at me. I gave a long sigh of relief. I don’t know where these maternal instincts are coming from. I’m not even sure they are maternal, so much as they are paranoia, but I care so deeply for my loved ones that it is almost hazardous to my own health. I began to take on the obligation of stressing & worrying for my family, when it seems as though they aren’t doing enough of it. When really… it’s NOT an obligation at all. They have never once asked me to carry their burdens, but I somehow manage to do it anyway. The other night, I joked with Jonathan that my job in our relationship is to look for warning signs & worry about them since he never seems to fret. As silly as that sounds, it’s true & I’m glad that I am Chief Worry Wart of the relationship. If it were any other way… well, I would be worried.

[I'd like to take a brief moment to extend my gratitude to everyone who has left beautiful comments on my blog. This is very unconventional of me, being that I don't like to mix my outside acquaintances with my journal, but it has been quite heavy on my heart for the past several days to say something, anything, to all of you who have been frequenting my blog. From the bottom of my heart, I appreciate your kindness. I am at a loss for words, that is how grateful I am! I never, ever imagined that my stories here would be readable to the outside world, let alone enjoyable. Thank you for delightfully proving me wrong.]