brain over load.
Thursday, March 13th, 2008
Right when I was about to whine about how much of a lifeless day this is, I took a gander at my “blog hits” & saw that I have had 757 today & counting. I must say: I don’t know who you are or who is responsible, but thank you very much. :] Although there is nothing to show for it — comments or whatnot — I am touched that there are people out there who view my writings & find them decent.
The days are passing by very fast & my flowers are wilting. Flowers are so beautiful, but I’d rather have something that hasn’t been ripped off of its natural life support to sit pretty in my home for several days. It would be nice to get an actual plant; one that you can put inside of the ground. That way nobody is getting hurt. Poor little flowers; I wish I could save them.
I am sitting behind this computer, waiting for Lover to get home as usual. I had a rough night that involved me tossing & turning & wincing at the thoughts that were running through my mind. I had watched something horrible on television — the show Cheaters should be taken off the network; far too personal to show to the whole world – due to the fact that I couldn’t sleep (this wretched time change is kicking me in the ass, literally. After an hour or two of watching senseless television, I decided to try to get some sleep. Jonathan was snoring upstairs & I kept kicking him softly hoping that he would move on his side. As I started to drift off to sleep, I noted my sleeping position; fetal, curled up & back turned towards Lover. Curiously, I turned slightly not to wake him & noted his sleeping position: his back was turned towards me as well. I remember reading once (& this is where my imagination & intelligence really gets me into trouble) that sleep patterns are silent indicators of how a couple interpret each other in their relationship. Although I read this article in a Teenie-Bopper magazine, I feel like it is no joke. They showed many positions but the one that was the most awful of them all was the one me & Lover were doing last night. We were turned away from each other, isolating & neglecting the other. I on my own pillow in my own position, he on his own pillow in his own position. & so I began to think: what does this mean? Does this mean that there is something wrong with us? With our marriage? Is this a warning sign? Then I start to think a bit further about how we played out our day that night. He came home… we each each made our own dinners (he had some chinese, I think, while I had a salad), we watched television & talked briefly about our plans to travel. I called my mom back & Lover went to bed. That was it. So, with that, I began to think… “Oh no. We’re living more like roommates than Lovers!” I got this horrible taste in my mouth.
I woke up Lover because I needed his opinion; I didn’t care that it was midnight or later, I wasn’t going to sleep until I heard his two cents! I nudged him, lightly & called his name. “Baby… I have to ask you something…” Sleepily, he replied, “Hmm?” & I asked him, “Do you think we live more like roommates than Lovers?” He rolled over to face me, kissed me on the cheek & said confidently, “No, I don’t.” What should have been the answer to my question wasn’t & I was disappointed when he didn’t become worried like I was. Within minutes, he went back to sleep, snoring lightly & I lay there in the dark trying to make some sense of my own thoughts.
I know when I have over-thought something when I wake up the next day & I feel like I have a hangover in my brain. A brain over load or a brainover. Lover kissed me lightly to tell me he was leaving for work & I instantly started trying to remember what happened last night & why my head hurt so much the way it did. I was disoriented & don’t really recall what happened after that. I woke up at 9am, I think, still hungover.
What happened last night wasn’t all because of the events that occurred yesterday, like the fact that we didn’t talk much & our sleeping body language. I noticed instantly that it has been a while since we made love. There is nothing wrong with this & the reason of this is quite valid, but it still irked me. It was something our therapist said that made me think of this. We were talking about sex & how we need to incorporate it more in our relationship because we’re married & “the difference between a couple & roommates” she said “is the fact that there is intimacy involved.” Without intimacy we are roommates. Is this… bad? That is a rhetorical question. I suppose what I mean to say is how might one fix this?
I’m sure it is a lot more complicated than the answer being “just have sex!” It must.