there were no eggs. everything was blue.
Monday, March 24th, 2008
Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately, depending on how I look at it) there were no Easter festivities today whatsoever. Most of the day was spent being boring & lazy. Yes, I am complaining about it but only because my wretched expectations get in the way. I suppose I envisioned Lover & I waking up slowly together (which we did) & eventually make our big breakfast since it is Sunday (which we didn’t) & then maybe stay indoors until around noon, then go outside, since it was such a wonderful day out; maybe window shop, maybe go to the park as originally “planned.” That & a few other things. But the only exciting thing that happened to me today was going to Ralph’s & picking up a few items, one of them being those giant Pillsbury Cinnamon Rolls that I love so much. Pathetically & regretfully, that is all that happened today for me. Lover spent most of the day sleeping. On the couch, in our bed. Sometimes just day dreaming while looking out the window & then eventually drifting off into a deep, snore-filled sleep. Tonight at a little past 11, he announced that he was going to bed for the night because he was tired. How could one be tired after sleeping until noon & then taking a 3 hour nap during the day? Honestly. I can’t help be a bit perturbed at this. For someone who spends most of her time isolated (by choice at times) from the world, dying to have an excuse to put on her best things, I live for weekends. God knows that even though I stay fairly busy during the week, the last thing I would want to do is stare at this computer screen, idling through the internet, bored stiff. Sigh. There is no choice but to get over it. But I truly feel that this day was a waste; I keep asking myself, where did my Sunday go?
I was in a sad state most of today, that is something undeniable. Lover noticed it, as well. Most of it had everything to do with what was mentioned above & then a part of it had to do with it being Easter (for heaven’s sake!) & not doing one little family oriented thing all day. Upon driving to the supermarket, I witnessed dozens & dozens of cars parked on my street. These were obviously family members that have come from out of town to celebrate with their loved ones. I saw on pair walking on the sidewalk up to a house & they seemed to be carrying rather large dishes. Casserole, maybe? Or jello? I saw families outside, playing with each other. People taking their elderly loved ones or their dogs on walks, pointing at the scenery around them, showing off their neighborhood & successes. I even saw a whole party dedicated to family! They were sitting in the front yard of a small house… there were about a dozen tables, one of them reserved for the younger ones. They were all sitting outside, enjoying the beautiful day, laughing & enjoying each other’s company. I could smell the food cooking as I drove slowly past. I smiled, happy to see this kind of unity. Then I got sad again; I miss my family. It’s not that I even miss Easter with my family because Easter was never a big deal to us. I just miss the comfort of my childhood home… my bedroom, my backyard. The way the air smelled when my mother was cooking in the kitchen. The way my stomach growled while watching her create an original recipe. I miss my father serenading us with his guitar, waiting to be called to the dinner table. I miss the playful banter that went around our dinner table, as well. We all had assigned seats at the table & they never changed. My father was to the west, my mom was to the north, my sister to the east & I was to the south. This NEVER changed. The only time our seating positions was changed was when my father left… & I resumed his position to the west. Why I did this, I don’t know. I almost feel like it was a metaphor. That somehow, I became apart of the head of the household. Strange that I think of that now; I hadn’t thought of it before.
I was thinking today how much things have changed in my life & in the lives of my families. We’ve all gone in different directions, literally. My sister is in Texas, my mother 2 hours away from me, my father relatively close but certainly not close enough to want to see him everyday & my family… here. Almost in the middle. Again: I miss my family. I say family & mean the 4 of us, together as one family. Not speaking of them separately. Nothing will ever compare to the life I had before the one I have now. That is an obvious statement. I suppose I mean that nothing will ever be the way it was when I was safe in my childhood home, with my parents & my sister. There has never been no other comfort that comes close. Strangely enough, going to my childhood home (as mentioned in my hauntings & ghosts entry) doesn’t make me want to stay. I actually hate going back; it’s almost scary. I can’t explain why; it is just this way.
Lover is now snoring; I wonder how many times I will announce this while writing, as though it’s necessary? I am not tired. I took a few large bites out of this dark chocolate Easter Bunny that Lover gave me a few days ago & I’m a bit wired. What is there to do so late at night? I could always watch Atonement again (a superb movie, by the way; absolutely brilliant). Or, I could play with my hair. Or, I could just cry a little inside about the reality of missing my family so much that it literally hurts; I mean literally hurts inside.
I don’t think Easter has ever made me this melancholy before.