march 27, 2008

look what you’ve done.

Thursday, March 27th, 2008

I have put myself in a terrible situation: I have become far too used to being a “stay at home housewife.” It’s dangerous & I do not know if I can reverse it. It’s all because of my runaway imagination.

I woke up this morning to Lover gently kissing me on the cheeks, telling me that he was on his way to work. I smiled at his kisses & then smiled a bit bigger when I realized that [as usual] I have all day to myself, to do whatever I wish, however I wish & whenever I wish. Lover left a few moments later & I stumbled out of bed, greeting Sofie at the top of the stairs. I then decided that I was going to make myself breakfast. While the coffee was brewing, my super-delicious, gigantic cinnamon rolls were baking in the oven. I took a moment to thank God for allowing me to have this precious time to myself & for also allowing me to indulge in these amazing cinnamon rolls. It was the perfect morning; I enjoyed every sip of coffee, every bite of sticky rolls with gooey icing & all the while I kept thinking “this has got to stop. It must, or else you’ll be stuck here because you have grown fond of being free & careless. This was only supposed to be temporary, my Dear; just a few weeks of pleasure & then it’s back to the grueling responsibility of finding employment. You must! Husband can’t carry this heavy load alone.” Unfortunately, as much as I wanted to yell back, “Leave me alone!” or hum loudly to imply that I wasn’t listening… I had a harsh wakeup call when I realized, Oh… so THAT’S what I’m supposed to be doing; in the midst of my pleasure I had forgotten. I’m really trying not to think of it now because I don’t want to go back to work. Matter of fact, I wouldn’t mind if I never went back to work. The more days I spend here lollygagging & having mini adventures around my town, the more I cannot see myself going back to work. It sounds funny when I type it; I’m close to laughing at the predicament I’ve gotten myself in. But it’s really quite serious & I don’t know what to do.

It all started when, just a week ago, Lover had revealed to me that he had been offered a permanent position with a company that will pay him ten times more & offer an amazing package of benefits. He told me this very nonchalantly, like the probability of this actually happening was slim, he just wanted me to be aware of what was said to him today. Naturally, I was already starting to plan the rest of our year. (Oh, wonderful! Then that means I won’t have to work & if I don’t have to work then I can stay here & write. Maybe I can write a memoir! Maybe I can take up flower arranging; oh I’ve always wanted to do that. We could save money now & move to Seattle if we’d like. Or… or… we could take a vacation. Or… we can get a car! We could even get a better apartment! Oh the possibilities are endless. Yipee!) Silently, of course, not realizing that I was getting a bit over my head. I was so excited (actually, I still am, who am I kidding) & so it has been for the last week or so. I even told my mother about it who is just as thrilled as I am. Although… she’s not making it any better for a dreamer like me because she’s telling me that basically, he’s already got the job. She said to me: “Oh Ev’Yan; he’s got this. I mean, there’s no arguing with that. He’s got the job & this is fantastic!” Sigh. But he doesn’t have the job; he hasn’t even met with the “boss” about the job yet. There is nothing sealed is stone, there is nothing signed on paper. The only person wrapped up in a dream, in my own personal La La Land, is me. It’s a wicked, wicked thing & now I am reeling over it. I can’t seem to put myself back into Unemployment Panicking Syndrome mode. To prove to myself that I am fully aware that nothing is definite, I tried looking for jobs today online; something of which I haven’t done in, oh… several days. But, alas, I couldn’t focus & ended up doing something a bit more intriguing, which was looking at fashion articles for inspiration on what to do with my bulging closet. I even tried to scare myself silly, basically saying things like, Well… you know that rent is due & when that check gets cashed you will only have ___ in your account & that is awfully scary. Oooo, so scary. & you know… even though things would manage okay if Jonathan had to be the sole financial support, it would still be cutting it awfully close. Scaryy. Horrible. Oh, the agony… Nope… that didn’t help either. My mind is literally too distracted, too fixed on this idea about the new job. Fuck, in my brain, he’s already got the damn job! I have no idea what to do.

It’s nearing 3:30pm & what have I done all day? I have uploaded [amazing] music onto my iPod; I have given Sofie a bath; I have had a beautiful breakfast & an even better late lunch; I have cleaned the kitchen; I have watched a few hours of television; I have looked for jobs for a mere 30 minutes - tops; I’ve talked to my sister, my mother, my husband & my friend, Ross; & now I sit here, shaking my head, thinking of the mess I have made within myself.

I talked to Lover about it on the phone & all he can say is “Babe… now I wish I never would have told you about the job.” I wish he hadn’t either. Then maybe I could actually get some real work done. I’m being hard on myself because I realize that I am living a dream right now & pretty soon, I am going to wake up to the reality that Jonathan didn’t get the job & well… Ev’Yan doesn’t have a job at all. & when that happens, I will most likely burst into a fit of tears at my reckless imagination & then stress the hell out to the point where I physically can’t do anything because I am so mopey.

Yes; something’s gotta give before I’m up a creek without a paddle. Sigh.